Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
