I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We left the knife in your bed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
