i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
