You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
