remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
