I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
