There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
