My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
