Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My dick has a subreddit
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
