so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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