I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
