Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
