Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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