I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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