Your dad touched me again.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
