just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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