I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
