Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
