can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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