At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Randomize
