So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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