he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
