why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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