Already got asked if we're dating
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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