I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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