I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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