I think scott just propositioned me for sex
This girl is more easily done than said...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
