I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
