Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
