So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
