I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
