okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
