well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
