I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
