Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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