so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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