I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
