Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
