When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
