It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
