you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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