i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
