Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
