I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
