i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
