i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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