I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
