i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
