Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
