I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
